Parents of teenagers with learning disabilities are frequently plagued
by the question of how many expectations to place upon their sons
and daughters. How much is it reasonable to expect? This can be
very confusing, especially since learning disabilities are so often
'invisible.' On the one hand, adolescence is an age when teenagers
are expected to take on more initiative, responsibility and independence.
Typically, this is evident in areas such as school work, hygiene
and contact with peers. On the other hand, these parents know that,
in spite of their chronological ages, their sons or daughters are
not equipped to take the initiative, act responsibility or be independent
in a consistent or reliable fashion. Many parents recognize that
if their children are left to learn from their 'mistakes' or 'failures,'
what they will likely learn is that they are 'failures.' Consequently,
parents realize that their children need help in order to have successful
experiences and build confidence.
A puzzling factor in all of this is that teenagers with learning
disabilities often appear to be, and are, quite capable in some
areas. This may lead to the false conclusion that when these teenagers
don't act capably or responsibly, this is primarily due to a lack
of motivation. Adding to this predicament are pressures that come
from the adolescents themselves and from society. Although they
may not have taken on the responsibilities of adolescence, the teenagers
don't hesitate to ask for the rights and privileges of adolescence.
This understandably frustrates their parents.
The 'invisibility' of learning disabilities may lead other interested
and well-intentioned adults (for example, relatives, friends, teachers
and other professionals) to caution parents that if they do not
insist on their sons or daughters becoming more responsible for
their actions, they will be encouraging dependency. The message
is clear: if the parents continue to 'do' for their teenage children,
they will not be helping them develop into well-functioning adults.
It is important to place this dilemma in the context of our society
in which independence and autonomy are considered signs of good
health. Recently, some groups have criticized this basic belief
because it is not found in all cultures and societies. But, if a
teenager is not able to assume independence and all that goes with
it in our society's expected way and time frame, the child and his/her
parents may face significant negative judgements.
All of this may serve to deflate and shake the confidence of parents.
They may feel frustrated, inadequate and guilty when they provide
assistance to their teenage sons and daughters; angry at their sons
or daughters for not being more independent or autonomous; and confused
when they can't sort out this issue. An additional pressure relates
to parents' natural desire to decrease their parental responsibilities
as their children grow up. This is a developmental stage for parents
that typically coincides with the adolescent stage.
Due to the nature of learning disabilities and individual differences,
these teenagers often need considerable support to accomplish certain
tasks and to reach developmental milestones. Their parents can,
with good will, feel free to lend a hand. This must be coupled with
encouragement and expectations which will contribute to the teenager
assuming greater responsibility. This is a difficult, delicate and
worthwhile balance to determine.
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